Saturday, July 14, 2012

Ready? it to shreds!

It's okay. I know it needs work. It needs...something. It guys!
I promise not to get upset if you promise to understand if I don't use all your ideas. Deal?


When Maggie Maguire witnesses an SUV run down a man on Main Street she makes a split-second decision to follow him before calling the police. Her reckless actions almost get her killed and set off a chain of events unimaginable in her small town putting her family and friends in danger.

Settling in Maguire’s Corner hasn’t been easy on recently hired Police Chief Jack Munro. He knows the homicide of a mysterious resident as well as the attempted murder of the ‘town sweetheart’ isn’t a coincidence. When his investigation brings the FBI to his door he wonders how long he can hold his breath now that he’s in over his head.

Maggie’s mistrust of Jack and his methods doesn’t stop her from wanting all that muscle and heat pressed up against her whenever he’s near. After the way she’s treated Jack she’d be surprised if he didn’t toss her aside like day old coffee grounds.

Solving this case must be Jack’s number one priority but this tempting woman has awakened his buried desire to make Maggie his. Jack only hopes fortune will continue to smile his way because keeping them both alive will put all his skills to the test when a killer sets his sights on MAGUIRE’S CORNER.


  1. There are a few grammar issues going on, mostly punctuation (lots of missing commas), but right now, the one thing that's throwing me off is the dual POV.

    Usually queries are written from one POV only, even if the story is written in multiple POVs. So I think you should focus on Maggie's POV and her perception of Jack. It's tricky since she can only have so much knowledge of what he's thinking and feeling.

    I also think you can pare it down by omitting the superfluous info. For example, in the first paragraph, the fact that it's an SUV or that the incident is on Main Street really isn't critical, where words and space are at a premium. You could just say she witnesses a hit and run and that would be good enough.

    Lastly, you've done a nice job with character and conflict, but the choice the characters are confronted with is vague. It needs to be front and center at the end of the query synopsis. That's what makes the reader want to read more.

    Overall though, the story sounds fantastic and quite intriguing. And may I say hot, too? Yes, quite hot! Muscle and heat, oh my! Yum!

  2. Ummm... What Nancy said! I'm not good at critiquing queries. Little more focus?
    Hey, have you contacted Matthew at the QQQE? He critiques one query a week on his blog and others give feedback - and he's really good.

  3. Well, I'm like Alex, I've never written a Query before but I also do suggest getting help from Matthew. I can say this though, I love the premise and can't wait to read the book.

  4. as i have been told, grab them with the first line!
    and the story surely does!
    what is maggie like? reckless is not normal for her or is it?

    i just put my query up and got advice to take out story details and add voice. so i pass it on to you. and stick with maggie's pov. we can meet the sheriff thru her

    love the day old coffee grounds! and chemistry! good job!

  5. Bearing in mind my blog, what I say means nothing really but having said that, I will add my bit. Nancy said pare it down, well my own view is you are trying to be a bit too clinical I would try and be a little more descriptive. Think of Philip Marlowe, a bit more chilled a little darker a little more mysterious.

    So rather than..... Settling in Maguire’s Corner hasn’t been easy on recently hired Police Chief Jack Munro. He knows the homicide of a mysterious resident as well as the attempted murder of the ‘town sweetheart’ isn’t a coincidence.

    Settling in Maguire’s Corner hasn’t been easy on Police Chief Jack Munro; recently hired he now finds himself dealing with the homicide of a mysterious resident as well as the attempted murder of the ‘town sweetheart’. He knows its no coincidence, but finds his investigation has brought the FBI to his door, not what he wanted, not right now. He wonders how long he can hold his breath. Now that he’s in way over his head, in a dark place darker than anything he has had to deal with before......
    Anyway as I say I know nothing I would end up with twenty five foot aliens eating all the residents and a mad scientist creating zombies

    Oooo just one thing SUV don't use that, half the world don't know what a SUV is (like me) so maybe use a more universal vehicle like a Mini Moke ....... (HA HA you are wondering what's a Mini Moke, but it makes the point). I take it you are not planning to add aliens.......DAMN.

  6. I think Nancy's comments are spot on. Too many extraneous words. The query letters purpose is not to sell the book to the agent, but to entice them into asking for partial pages or a full. It's the pages that sell the book, not the query letter. So less description equals more intrigue. :)

  7. I thought I'd add that I am confused about why the character's name and the town's name are the same. I assume that's important, so should you mention something about her family going way back to the founding of the town or something?

    I also thought I'd mention that I gave you a shout out on my blog today. Not that you won anything or have to do anything :) but thanks for being my 100th follower. ;)

  8. I wasn't reading this as a query. Was it supposed to be a query? I just assumed you were dashing off an idea to get an opinion about it. From that standpoint I'd say if the story is well written, this sounds like a good start.

    Wrote By Rote

  9. I cannot stand writing queries, and I'm not good at critiquing them, which is one of the many reasons I abandoned traditional publishing. I really like the premise. I do know that shorter is better with agents. Most of my queries (based on outside advice) were 3-4 paragraphs, which included biography and why my novel appeals to a particular agent/agency.
    It sounds like a book I'd want to read, though. Good luck, Heather.

  10. Thank you all.
    I'll address your wonderful comments in my next blog post.


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