Here we go...again...

I emailed Carina Press today. Now we wait.

I read on a blog the other day some tips for smoothing out your manuscript.
She said: Avoid stating the obvious.
For example: stand up and/or sit down.

So, I went through my current project with the 'find' function and HOLY CRAP do I use those a lot!

Before I sent off my first story to Carina I made sure to look for this as well. HOLY CRAP I used them a lot in that one too!


I made some minor adjustments.


She had other great suggestions on her blog but I didn't check for them all.
Maybe I should have.


I was going to send to another e-publisher as well but they state in their submission guidelines that they publish erotic fiction. 

Hmmm. There is sex in my books, but I don't think it's considered 'erotic'.

After trying to look up proper definitions for erotic fiction, and probably getting flagged by the porn police, I am still not sure what makes the jump from romantic sex to erotic sex in books.

My only guess at this point would be wording. I don't use certain words while describing sex. Call me a prude. I don't want my story to sound like Penthouse forum.

These words don't bother me. I've probably used them all. But I think certain words can take the romance right out of the sex scene.


So, for now, I won't be sending to that e-publisher. Maybe next week I'll start a new list of agents/publishers to send to.


I haven't written in a few days. Guess I'm making up for my write-a-thon a few days ago. I have been looking for a 'real' part-time job so that seems to be taking up all my time and energy right now.


My brain also knows that the big love/sex scene is coming up and maybe it's not ready to write it yet. It takes a lot of work to make those scenes sound believable and not silly or clinical.


Tough life, huh?

Thanks but no thanks...

I got the letter from HQN.

Thank you, but no thank you. 

So be it.

Next.

It's all making sense now.

When I was a teenager I had a hard time.
My life was cake compared to some people and worse than others.
I've always been a middle of the road kinda gal.

I hated school. Hated homework. Hated teachers. Hated the other kids. Hated me. Hated my life.

In order to escape my dull, uninteresting, hateful life, I created stories, mostly in my head, but sometimes I wrote them down.

It was usually about me meeting an awesome famous guy and being whisked away to a more glamorous life. 
Rock stars.
Actors.
It didn't matter.

So, it makes sense that when I am feeling low, unloved and bi-polar, that I would write more. In the last 2 days I think I have written almost 15 pages. That may not seem like much, but for me to crank out in 2 days, it's a lot. Granted, most of it is dialogue, and pretty rough, but still very important to the plot.

It's a sucky way to write though. I don't like feeling like that. 
But, what are you gonna do? 
You have to go where the muse takes you I suppose.

Who the hell am I kidding?

I don't know what I am doing.
I can't be serious, really.
I'm not a writer or an author.
No one will publish anything I write.

These are the words that are constantly in my head buffeting around, tearing me up, freakin' me out.


I don't know why.
I don't know how to get them out.

I don't know if they should come out.

Maybe if I didn't have that little voice in my head telling me that I suck I wouldn't tell it to fuck off all the time and write anyway.

I'm feeling bi-polar. Do I sound bi-polar?


Writing is so important to me but at the same time I don't think it's going to get me anywhere.


Maybe I just need a nap.


Mrs. X called me yesterday. So awesome of her to take the time. She didn't have my letter/synopsis but asked me to email it to her. I checked and rechecked my work and then emailed it out. Now we wait.


I got so over-confident that I went through my whole book and took out all the curse words and in my star struck haze I hit save.


Luckily, I had saved it to a jump drive recently so I still have the last copy before I changed it.


Idiot.

Dear Universe, why do I do such stupid things?

The conversation went like this...
ME: Honey, go into your office. I need to write.
HIM: Why don't you get the first one published?
ME: I'm trying. I need to hear back from HQN. I can't send to the e-publisher I want w/o hearing back from them.
HIM: So, call them.
ME: Who? HQN?
HIM: Yeah.
ME: I don't think you're supposed to do that.
HIM: I'll call them. I could be your agent.
ME: I'll call them.


So, I called HQN in NYC.


A human answered on the third ring!


ME: I thought I would get a machine.
HER: How can I help you?
ME: I sent a query w/ synopsis back in June and I was wondering if there was any way I could find out what happened to it?
HER: Attention to?
ME: MRS. X
HER: Her office is in Canada. They probably sent the letter there.
ME: Oh. I got the info right off your website.
HER: Do you want the Canadian phone number?
ME: Yes. Thank you.


So, I called HQN in Canada.


A human answered on the second ring!


ME: Hello. I sent a query w/ synopsis back in June to the NY office address but I had the attention of MRS. X on it and they think they might have forwarded it to Canada.
HER: I'll transfer you to MRS. X.
ME: Really?
HER: Just a moment.


MRS. X's VoiceMail: Please leave me a message.
ME: Hello. I sent a query w/ synopsis back in June to the NY office but I put your name on it and they may have forwarded it to you. I was just wondering if anyone knew what happened to it? Please call or email me if you have the time. Thank you.


I'm such an ASS!


The UNIVERSE only knows what the FRAK happened to my stupid letter! 


STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

I was so careful. I did my research. I had a database. REALLY!

How the hell did I screw this up?

Maybe, cause they know I'm dumb, they sent it to Istanbul. 


Maybe, for those special letters like mine, they have a huge hole drilled into the Earth's core and they just chuck them down into the fiery hot magma.


Maybe they folded my letter in half and they are using it to keep their desk from wobbling back and forth.