I took the big leap and chose a critique partner.
I won't name her because I don't have her permission and it's not necessary.
I sent her the first 50 pages of my finished book.
Although I did specify that I really wanted to know if the story was worth reading, she did a real edit on the first 10 pages and sent it back.
It was pretty brutal.
I was stunned and overwhelmed by her critique.
And in reality, I can't argue with it.
She sounds like a committed student to the English language and the craft of writing. She gave me many examples of what I should change. She included links to websites that I could learn from and book titles I should read.
I thanked her profusely for all her hard work and the time and energy she spent on helping me.
But now I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I can write like a publishable author is supposed to write.
I may just be too old and set in my crappy ways to learn everything I would have to in order to be taken seriously and not considered an amateur.
Just the thought of reading nonfiction books or going to classes makes my hands clammy.
I feel like an ass.
I mean I really put years into that story.
I forced other people to give up their free time to read it over and over again.
I don't know if I can justify being a writer if I will never sell anything.
I don't know if I can invest the time it takes for me to write these words if it's only going to be 3 or 4 people that will ever read it.
I just don't know.